Love, Lamentations & Lessons

Many nights and some days single me and relationship lorn me do battle. They wrestle, sling mud, it can get quite nasty. But, love longing me get’s caught daydreaming of a life partner. Someone to interlock fingers with. Veg out on my couch with. Cook meals for. Inspire my writing. Through all of my desires I’ve come to realize how hard it is to meet, cultivate and sustain a relationship.

While cleaning my room last night my past revealed itself through cards, letters, poems & gifts given by past loves. With every brief smile, slow sigh & light huff, I was reminded of the mistakes I’ve made along the way.

One man professed a love for me that left him bewildered, dumbfounded. I was too young mentally & in spirit to grasp it. My rejection was as sharp as his love was heavy. We share life through a son now. It saddened me to know how much I’d hurt him. This hurt is a reflection of the nature of our current relationship. Disdain, no harmony, contempt. A constant ebb & flow of digression.

My trip down memory lane continued with the odds cards and gifts given by the man I once considered the love of my life. If there was a tangible way to measure love, by sight or touch we would have been the instrument used to tackle such a feat. When time, growth & maturity became the agent of our dismantling, there was still grace. We shared blame for our demise. Possession, infidelity, control. Me not wanting to be my mother & him not wanting to be his father. Unknowingly, our attempts to outrun our makers made us martyrs.

I have had some relationships beyond these that obviously didn’t last. The mirror’s imagine doesn’t always reflect a victim in the end. I’ve been a fence sitter, a brick wall builder, a busy body in the midst of a relationship. Before fully opening the door, I’ve retreated.

Most times I celebrate my freedom, celebrate that as I please I can do. Oftimes, in the midst of this so called celebration, I feel like putting my glass down, turning on all the lights & sweeping up the confetti. Yes, I know through Christ I am never alone. Yes, I’m blessed to be able to manage my household & care for my son. Yes, I have beautiful sister friends & a caring family. For all of this I am beyond grateful, as I am fully aware that I am more fortunate than many others.

Then there are fleeting moments of lament, questions & longing. How do I squeeze this proverbial him into an increasingly tightening schedule? What is the integration process? What do I sacrifice? Moreover, at what point do I deem him worth the sacrifice? People say when you meet the right one, everything will work out. Honestly, at this point that sounds absurd.

I’ve learned to remain prayerful, to keep a smile on my face and across my heart. I have also realized that I don’t know all of the answers. That realization leaves me wearing the most ill-fitting shoes ever. How can the sage, the diplomat be without an explanation, some type of rationalization? The reason lives within me, hidden in my spirit, in vivid colors & honest exchanges. As long as I continue to search for the reason, maybe through this revelation, I will find that ever illusive WE.

Through all that I feel, more than any other feeling I am grateful for Hope. Through hope I am not bitter, afraid or callous. Hope sustains the longing, nurtures the desire & keeps fear at bay. So with a hopeful heart, mind & spirit I am a student of my past, an active participant in my present & patiently anticipating my future.

Peace & blessings,
Mykisha