When it comes to Black male and female relationships, I've been trying to hold my tongue from speaking on it for a while. Quite frankly, the subject is old, and I get frustrated at the unwillingness of both parties to really listen to each other and to actually act out the solutions being offered and suggested. Often times the statements and conclusions become predictable.
Before I continue I'm going to lay out a few things...
I'm a Black male in my late 20s. My mother raised me and my older sister. I have lived around women basically all of my life. Most of my understanding of "how to be a man" came from the trials and learning that me and other male friends (most of whom were raised by their mothers) tried to discover through life and bouncing our expereinces off one another. Wisdom through peers. Many times I would try to gain understanding of how to be a man by asking other women's opinions, other times through older males. When it comes to male and female interactions, I almost always lean in favor for women because of the horrible things I have seen men do to women. Whether it be domestic violence, infidelity, mind games, any of that, I've seen it, heard about it, and know women who have experienced it. My mother was an activist. Very proud and strong willed. You ain't seen a strong Black woman with an education til you met my mother. Trust me.
I have a BA from an acclaimed private college, and went to UCLA for my MA. Since graduating 4 years ago I have been laid off 3 times, and have been struggling to get back on my feet. I am not the largest dude, never played sports. I am an artist at heart. Overall, I think I can confidently say that I am what most Black women say they want minus the financial success and being over 6 feet tall. There's only one girl I ever dated that was of another race. Otherwise, I much prefer darker skinned Black women (you can thank my mom for that).
I have some of Slim Thug's music. A few mixtapes and his album Already Platinum. I also listen to Miles Davis, Bjork, and all kinds of other stuff. There's no way you can pigeon-hole me. As soon as I read his Vibe article I knew what was coming, one of them being a Black academic breakdown of what he said/implied.
Many "successful" Black folks have a problem relating to other Blacks that didn't go to college or finish high school. If they aren't using big enough words, citing statistics, or saying it in a way that we like for our public image, we go into teacher mode. We throw some bell hooks in the mix to exercise our knowledge.
Many times Black women in college would debate what I would say when it came to relationships and seemingly dismantle me in a discussion about "capitalist patriarchy", sexism, and the like. No man is without his fault of his sexism, but guess what? There are a lot of women who support the cycle of sexism. So before you critique a man about his "sexism" understand that what they are patterning themselves after are often times things that other women say that they want.
Such as-
"I want a man who can lead."
"I want a man who can keep me in check sometimes."
"I need a man who can protect me."
These are the 3 most used sentences I have heard from various Black women throughout my life. And every time I hear it, it seems odd to me. The same things women say they want contradict the ideas of feminism in the way I understand it. How can I lead, protect, and check you without already holding a position of superiority? That has yet to be explained in a way that doesn't contradict itself. And lets say I am able to do all of those things. What's the woman's role in the relationship?
I spoke to a Black female professor at my college that many of the women at my school studied under, revered and loved.
I said "All of these Black women look up to you. They quote you all the time. They love you. And these same systems you are teaching to help us grow, to fight oppression, are getting used against other Black men like me. So the same people I want to fight alongside are fighting against me. What am I supposed to do?"
All she could say was: "Listen...I'm not giving solutions, these are only theories."I was upset by that answer. It was as if all these things we were taught were just excersises in "What if...?". A theory is not an answer.
But it also made me realize that there is no one answer to everything to solve Black issues.
I say all that to say this- All of us so called "educated" black people need to be quiet. Cause in the end, we don't always know what we're talking about. One of the biggest gripes I have right now is this elitist attitude people are having in discrediting Slim's intelligence, as if he has no idea of how to interact with other humans. Somehow, he has no idea what he's talking about because he didn't articulate it "intellectually".
Stayve Jerome Thomas aka Slim Thug is a rapper from Houston. As far as I know he doesn't have any degrees. He worked his way to become a local celebrity, distributed his own mixtapes, started an independent label, and has had a major label debut. He even appeared alongside many women's idol, Beyonce. The video for Hip Hop Saved My Life by Lupe Fiasco was inspired by Slim Thug's rise, as Lupe himself stated. Despite the perception of Slim Thug, he's an entrepreneur, and has done more before his 30s than many people. So lets not discount his intelligence. Through it all, people (especially women) are upset by what his feelings and opinions are on Black women in relationships. He didn't say he never dated, will never date, or does not like Black women. He said what his friends do and have said with regard to White women giving them less of a hard time. And I have heard the same from other Black men. He stated his opinion, it was printed. This is about the interaction in a relationship. Not about domestic violence, stats, and so forth. So it seems most people want to discredit everything he said. This debate isn't new. What he said isn't new, nor are the reactions. Now what?
"Well I'm not an angry black woman. I won't just cook and clean for you. You just want a white girl cause she'll let you walk all over her and do anything, I ain't' gonna bow down to you!"
There's a difference between being a doormat, and being loyal. It doesn't mean you do everything a man says.
I'm going to break some news to you: White women are usually more loyal and less argumentative.
From what I've seen overall, most men period rather a woman who is less argumentative. Why? Because if you are asking me to lead and be responsible, I don't want to constantly argue about my decision. If you are trusting me to lead or to display my leadership, then someone is going to follow. If we keep running into debates or you are going to try to hold superiority over me, then it's not going to work. It doesn't mean you don't stand up for what you feel is right, but if we are going to continually have a tug of war, debate, or argue over something, then it's not healthy. There's a difference between being a "strong" black woman and being an "unwilling" black woman. You can put up a debate and have a strong will. That's great. But at some point a decision has to be made. If two people keep coming to impasses where neither is willing to compromise, it's not going to work. This is about the interaction in a relationship, not how well someone can show out. You can take that how you want, but this is how a lot of men operate. If you care about getting and keeping a man, maybe that will help.
Believe it or not, there are women who are gold diggers like Slim Thug described.
There are women who will not "lower" or "compromise" their standards. And yes, standards can be too high. You may not think yours are, but they might be. And sometimes it's not so much the standards, but the unwillingness to try anything different.
I have no shame in admitting that I need a woman to complete my vision of happiness. And yes, I want it to be a Black woman.
It seems like most women don't want to believe what Slim Thug said MIGHT be true.
And then throughout today we have open letters, rants, and debates.
Sorry Black women, but the more you keep throwing stones at him the more he can say "See. I told you."
And as much as women say they dislike his mentality, it's the same mentality that many women still go for, even if they dont admit it. He never said he's better than a woman, but clearly he feels there is a lead position he must take. Is that surprising? Trust me I've heard worse. I know lots of Black men who have openly stated "I'M the catch. I'M the one that most women want. I'm a Black man and I'm successful. Shit, they should prove to ME why they're worth MY time."
So the question becomes what are you going to bring into the relationship? The first response is always "I won't cook and clean and be a maid or his mom." I hear more Black women saying what they won't do than what they will do. And when a women comes along and says that they will do what the other woman won't, she's gets wifed. And she gets the benefits of having the protective man that can lead. Yes people, it's a new day. Black women are now doing the mating call and showing that they are a prime catch. It's survival of the fittest to get a Black man.
Please spare me statistics, or re-eading this to find sentences you can dismantle (espeically out of context).
I actually think you should re-read Slim Thug's words for what they say, not what you think he said or is implying. Things in print aren't the same as a conversation.
Yes these are generalities. We all generalize. We all have opinions that someone out there disagrees with.
No, I do not agree with everything Slim Thug said, but I do understand his point. Implying racial superiority definitely is problematic; but, I can point out a lot of cultural differences I see between African Americans and others, and one of them is how we value relationships and family. It's not just falling apart because of outside forces but because of internal issues.
Yes, Black men have done a lot of things wrong, but that doesn't mean every Black woman is without blame.
Yes, Black women have carried many of the burdens that have weighed down on Black people through history; but, what does that have to do with the interaction of boyfriend & girlfriend, or husband and wife?
I've seen a lot of Black women dating white men as of late. It stirs a little anger in me, but what can I do about it?
I think more people are angry because what he said was more true than it was offensive.
But that could just be my opinion.
Life goes on, and I still love Black women.
"Black peoples’ mentality is real fucked up in general [and] it’s affecting everything." -Slim Thug
Written by Yohance Serrant
*The opinions expressed here are the views of the writer and do not necessarily reflect
my views and opinions.
