The Hold Out

Sex, in the most concrete aspect is a physical act, but abstractly is it an exchange of energy, a co-mingling of spirits, the opportunity to feel someone beyond touch. The chance to mix emotion, strength and endurance. If done properly, you should experience a glimpse of your counter parts soul. You should see their humanity. Not the whimsical, movie like feelings associated with sex. I’m talking about the kinetic, spiritual side. That thought alone reminds me that we aren’t meant to share ourselves too freely.

Growing up, I was told things like, “Keep your dress down and your pants up”, “Don’t give it up” and “Your virtue is your beauty”. With a complete understanding of this sage and Christian advice, I struggle. By no means are my legs like an elevator: push a button, they open and you take a ride. But I will say that I am no stranger to an awesome sexcapade.

All of this vacillating has led me to what my friends have dubbed a drought, but I’ve affectionately named The Hold Out. The principle of The Hold Out is addressing my needs as a whole person and forgoing sex for a true connection. I believe that every man is flavored differently. Some sweet, spicy, tangy or hot, all of which suit my pallet in one way or another. The package may read a certain way, but you never really know until you open the contents and taste. Pretty packaging and clever marketing can get you caught up. I work to carefully decipher what is worth tasting. I’ve decided to forsake gluttony.

The Hold Out has made for some interesting challenges and bizarre rewards. I’ve mastered the fine art of resisting the late night invitation from an excellent lover. Call me insane, but I felt guilty for using someone in that way. Not that the use wasn’t symbiotic. I’m challenged daily by fantasies, memories, visions of sex and sweat and wet kisses. I combat it through writing, trade it off for vicarious stories and address it aggressively in the shower. While my friends are willing to share in detail, I’m often the butt of odd jokes, “You just need to get your kitty punched!” or “You don’t need help, you just need some dick!” Though not tangible in anyway, I’m reward by challenging my desires for something bigger than girth, length and stiffness. Woosaa!!!

It has caused me to question who I am as a woman. How does what I experience sexually get me closer to who I’m striving to be? If by my own example of it being a spiritual experience, was the connection worth it if it only happens in a bed or kitchen counter or a couch? Am I strong enough in my womanhood to be principle driven? I’ve come to realize that while I feel slightly insane at times, this will not be the death of me. Moreover, I tip my hat to the control freak in me in, as it is stronger than the freak!

But if one day, afternoon or night I crack under this pressure, was it all in vain? I don’t believe so. Don’t judge me for creating my own trap door! This experience has taught me lean on my faith more; to examine my deeper needs and desires. I’m grateful for my stance and the sense of purpose it has given me.

Sexual liberation through repression. Odd concept? Yes! Should every woman at some point have their own Hold Out? That question is left for them to decide.


Peace and blessings,
Mykisha